Well it's the third week of October, and that means we're celebrating two months in our new home. Hooray! But also that brings new meaning to the phrase "terrible two's." Mind you it's not too terrible, but life here these days does have a habit of being awkward, odd, embarrassing, and generally... oops.
We're at that point where we are settled enough to feel at home and let our guard down a bit. We've grown comfortable enough that we don't recite cultural norms to ourselves and do a little pep talk in the mirror before we leave the house (or maybe that was just me). But with the positive aspects of that familiarity comes the realization that there are cultural faux pas we can't get away with anymore. We aren't new and novel foreigners anymore. We're part of the landscape and we are expected to act as such.
Manners are just as important here as anywhere, and, just as subconscious here as anywhere. Suddenly we realize just how flippant it is perceived to give or receive anything (seriously anything) with less than two hands. We're embarrassed when we get the impression that the formality of our speech was inappropriate. And we recoil when pointed at. These and more are the things we are learning to adopt without thinking into our social interactions.
Other cultural mannerisms are much less awkward and simply take some getting used to. For example, when beckoning someone in the United States, you would put your hand in front of you, palm up and wave them over with your wrist or arm. Here, to draw someone closer, you put your hand in front of you at arms length, palm down, and open and close your hand such that you could grasp something below if there were something there to grab.
You also bow in much the same manner that we wave in the US, to say hello, but also to say thank you and even "okay" or "I understand." Bowing to someone older than you? Make sure your bow is ever so slightly deeper than theirs to indicate the humility of your social position relative to them.
Another odd interaction that took some getting used to was that here, when in conversation with a Korean, it is appropriate to show you are listening by uttering a continuous string of "mmmm" or "ahhhh ahhh" rather than the periodic nod, "yeah" or "sure" we mutter while conversing in the US. This can be distracting and seem rude to foreigners (like you are being annoyingly interrupted), but is simply how one affirms that they are engaged in what you are saying here.
And finally, there is the acceptance of what I perceive to be awkward questions. For example, I was offended the first time a Korean friend of mine said "you look tired, are you okay" to me when I came to visit one day. My thoughts included "do I look that bad?" and "jeez what a way to greet me." I got over myself pretty quickly as I picked up on how common it was to make these seemingly offensive accusations, and even talked with my friend about what they mean by it. She told me that it was supposed to be flattering, because it let you know, when greeted, that you were cared for. "You look hungry", or "you look tired" seem to simply be high-context communication mechanisms for "I'm interested in you" or "I care how you are feeling," rather than directly asking "how are you?"
These may seem like trivial things, but they are only the tip of the iceberg as far as learning how to behave in public. Taken individually, none are too extreme or difficult to get used to, but as a package deal, it can be like memorizing a long list of vocabulary terms all at once and risking offending someone if you don't manage to keep them all in mind all the time.
It can be so easy to slip up in the most innocent seeming way. I'll share a story that Jamie brought home this week from school in which he made "a terrible mistake" according to his co-teacher. The word terrible makes it seem like he really screwed up, and, I expected a much worse story when he called me, flustered and frustrated at having been scolded. But what happened was simply this; he picked up a whiteboard marker to write on the board with during class, and upon realizing it was dead, tossed it into the trash can. Granted, the trash can was a little ways away, so the toss required some force, but there was certainly no emotion behind it on his end. Now we've all seen a professor or a teacher do this, toss the marker away. But according to his co-teacher, it seemed like an act of anger. Like throwing the marker was a temper tantrum he threw momentarily due to his rage that it was dried out. In hindsight, Korean culture is very uncomfortable with excessive emotion, especially anger, in public. So if he scowled or furrowed his brow at all when the marker didn't work, before tossing it to the trash can a few feet away, it could easily have been perceived as hostile. But coming from our own cultural context, this seems perfectly innocent. Now we know, I suppose. As his co-teacher explained, the only polite way to throw something away is to gently place it in a trash bin (at least in public).
Okay, so I acknowledge that this post is significantly less fun than the previous ones, if only for it's lack of pictures. But then, the subject matter didn't really lend itself to pictures. For the sake of breaking up the wall of text, here's a picture of Jamie during our weekly Friday night embarrassment rehabilitation session... ;)
So here's to the terrible two's and our second month in Korea. I think it speaks volumes to say that, despite this particular phase of our transition, we are still loving it here, feeling more at home all the time, and making friends. We feel welcome and appreciated, even if it's peppered with a healthy dose of awkward cultural clashes from time to time.
Have a great week, everybody.
-K
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